– i’m just

nasty sometimes, for no good reason, get frustrated from pure habit. Then I try to remember

that I have seen scenes like the above, the sheer beauty and peace of it. That’s not a movie still. I stood in that whiteness, and admired the snow sculpture behind, and watched the kimono-clad practitioners of the tea ceremony serve the participants patiently sitting on benches, huddled under their umbrellas. Women and a young girl were playing the koto in a small building to the right, the light notes falling with the snow, through the snow. And remembering helps me to try to not be such a try-hard (I try hard to not be a try-hard), and to try to let things slide a little more often, and to try to ease up on myself so that I don’t lash out at others. I’m a lot more poison at times than my self-perception allows.

I slipped coming down on that snow. I was on a packed-ice-snow ledge watching the ceremony. I only slipped once at the festival. Quite a feat for me. “It’s quicker that way,” I said in Japanese to the man who looked concerned. We both laughed. The two girls behind me slipped, too, and I didn’t feel quite so foolish. The shoulder shrug, and acknowledgement of humiliation shared, a great attitude at times to cultivate. We are all fools floating along in our little paper boats. Though I hear you shout, “Speak for yourself!”. Okay, I shall. At times my refrain is idiot, fool, baka, moron… The order gets moved around, but the words have fairly equal weight, though the Japanese ‘baka’ can be as soft as ‘silly’ at times.

I feel like falling as softly as the snow and, with it, having a snowflake’s sense of self-awareness, which I figure is not very much, if anything.
Might be I don’t stand a snowflake’s chance in hell, but hey, would I even know it?

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2 Comments on “– i’m just”

  1. anglophile Says:

    The unfailingly good or the unfailingly graceful are also unfailingly boring.

    • theheartbeatsoftly Says:

      Thanks for that ‘glo, but the unfailingly belligerent are also unfailingly boring… they get more attention, though. I’d love to be graceful. I think good humour comes with good grace, though. I think grace without humour might cancel the one and other out (does that expression even make sense?)


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